There is a ga_ , a hole in the whole where you were
15 hours ago
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
It hurts losing someone & schizophrenia
It does really hurt. You have no idea.
We were perfect. Now we're done.
I was just crying no matter how hard i tried not to. No matter how many times I called my self "you're pathetic, men don't tear you pinky winky", and it had been 3 days I felt this awful.
I prayed to god but I feel no better.
I was raised as sunni muslim and the sunni believes in fate. They believe everything is predetermined, God has written everything including someone who will be with you and be your marriage partner. I used to really believe in that until one day I met this Malaysian and she was a shia.
She was trying to convince me that Ali is best calif (muslim political leader) of all and Bo Bakar, Ummar and Utsman (first muslim leaders) had seized the Ali's divine right as calif. I said, I didn't see it that way, I saw it as conflict between those who supported democratic government (which leader is being chosen by majority not appointed by previous leader or by lineage), and those who supported the monarch system (the shia, who believed the calif must from Muhammad the prophet lineage and Ali was Muhammad's coussin and he was marrying Muhammad's daughter, Fatima). I told her I supported democracy which I supposed a more suit to Muhammad teachings rather than monarchy because Muhammad told muslims before he died, "choose amongst you of the best in religious conduct and capable as your leader". He said 'choose' or 'vote'.
And she also convinced me shia theology that nothing was predetermined. Everything happens by our own will power and our conduct that we must take granted and consequences of what we do. God doesn't write anything. We, human, the one who write our own fate. That means your wife is your own choice, not some match made in heaven.
And this time, hell, she made it to convince me. I started to doubt God had written me with some woman out there to get married. It means whoever I find will be my own decission. It scare the hell out of me, I mean, there are many women out there and what if i choose the wrong person?
What if she makes my life more miserable? What if...? When it deals with marriage, I don't want to do any mistake.
Well, an american once told me, "First marriage is a mistake, second marriage we've learnt". I'm no american, in my society divorce is as evil as a witch to church in medieval time. A divorced will be considered a big loser, and people will think he probably hides something evil within that's why he gets divorced and the woman usually will suffer not getting a new husband or atleast she must wait for a very long time to get re-married and horny men want to sleep with her.
By thinking God takes care everything, it sounds comforting and well done. But this shia lady had corrupted my thought being cuddled by the Lord.
And in this time of moment when I'm most in need to believe God will take care everything, my doubt is killing me.
Schizophrenia
A friend told me he had a brother suffering from schizophrenia. His brother's schizophrenia started about 10 years ago when he went into this muhasaba group, it's some kind of muslim aschetic ritual group. They believe that world is evil and we must repent and confess our sins everyday. They believe we are a corrupt being and disgusting in the eyes of God. They shout to their students, "You're a sinner! God condemns you to hell for all your sins, eternal fire will burn you rotten to no end! repent! Repent!" and students will cry histerically.
My friend's brother was one of the student and that was when he started to get sick. He started to act weird, hearing voices shouting and threatening him of hell fire. He started to hear people telling him this and that. He started to live in another world. He even believed his parents and families were threat, he created imaginary people in his mind other didn't see. He also adopted obsesive compulsive behavior, he used to dig grounds over and over or walk around the house until he got tired. And no matter what people say to him that everything he saw and felt was unreal, he didn't response. Only some moments when he was back to reality when he took his medication, he realized he'd done terrible things.
It has been 10 years and no sign he will recover.
When I heard the story I was like, 'wow'. And it occured to me that what if someone like Jesus, Buddha, Moses or Muhammad, were actually just some people suffering from schizophrenia?
They thought they see and hear things people didn't see, voices and appearance telling them to do this and that when they were all just in their mind? There was no psychology at the time so they have no test to measure their sanity. If they were, this means the whole world is inspired by crazy people. Wow.
People say I'm crazy and I think I am. So let the world worship me. Hehehe.
We were perfect. Now we're done.
I was just crying no matter how hard i tried not to. No matter how many times I called my self "you're pathetic, men don't tear you pinky winky", and it had been 3 days I felt this awful.
I prayed to god but I feel no better.
I was raised as sunni muslim and the sunni believes in fate. They believe everything is predetermined, God has written everything including someone who will be with you and be your marriage partner. I used to really believe in that until one day I met this Malaysian and she was a shia.
She was trying to convince me that Ali is best calif (muslim political leader) of all and Bo Bakar, Ummar and Utsman (first muslim leaders) had seized the Ali's divine right as calif. I said, I didn't see it that way, I saw it as conflict between those who supported democratic government (which leader is being chosen by majority not appointed by previous leader or by lineage), and those who supported the monarch system (the shia, who believed the calif must from Muhammad the prophet lineage and Ali was Muhammad's coussin and he was marrying Muhammad's daughter, Fatima). I told her I supported democracy which I supposed a more suit to Muhammad teachings rather than monarchy because Muhammad told muslims before he died, "choose amongst you of the best in religious conduct and capable as your leader". He said 'choose' or 'vote'.
And she also convinced me shia theology that nothing was predetermined. Everything happens by our own will power and our conduct that we must take granted and consequences of what we do. God doesn't write anything. We, human, the one who write our own fate. That means your wife is your own choice, not some match made in heaven.
And this time, hell, she made it to convince me. I started to doubt God had written me with some woman out there to get married. It means whoever I find will be my own decission. It scare the hell out of me, I mean, there are many women out there and what if i choose the wrong person?
What if she makes my life more miserable? What if...? When it deals with marriage, I don't want to do any mistake.
Well, an american once told me, "First marriage is a mistake, second marriage we've learnt". I'm no american, in my society divorce is as evil as a witch to church in medieval time. A divorced will be considered a big loser, and people will think he probably hides something evil within that's why he gets divorced and the woman usually will suffer not getting a new husband or atleast she must wait for a very long time to get re-married and horny men want to sleep with her.
By thinking God takes care everything, it sounds comforting and well done. But this shia lady had corrupted my thought being cuddled by the Lord.
And in this time of moment when I'm most in need to believe God will take care everything, my doubt is killing me.
Schizophrenia
A friend told me he had a brother suffering from schizophrenia. His brother's schizophrenia started about 10 years ago when he went into this muhasaba group, it's some kind of muslim aschetic ritual group. They believe that world is evil and we must repent and confess our sins everyday. They believe we are a corrupt being and disgusting in the eyes of God. They shout to their students, "You're a sinner! God condemns you to hell for all your sins, eternal fire will burn you rotten to no end! repent! Repent!" and students will cry histerically.
My friend's brother was one of the student and that was when he started to get sick. He started to act weird, hearing voices shouting and threatening him of hell fire. He started to hear people telling him this and that. He started to live in another world. He even believed his parents and families were threat, he created imaginary people in his mind other didn't see. He also adopted obsesive compulsive behavior, he used to dig grounds over and over or walk around the house until he got tired. And no matter what people say to him that everything he saw and felt was unreal, he didn't response. Only some moments when he was back to reality when he took his medication, he realized he'd done terrible things.
It has been 10 years and no sign he will recover.
When I heard the story I was like, 'wow'. And it occured to me that what if someone like Jesus, Buddha, Moses or Muhammad, were actually just some people suffering from schizophrenia?
They thought they see and hear things people didn't see, voices and appearance telling them to do this and that when they were all just in their mind? There was no psychology at the time so they have no test to measure their sanity. If they were, this means the whole world is inspired by crazy people. Wow.
People say I'm crazy and I think I am. So let the world worship me. Hehehe.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
When people hold grudge
Just because her ex boyfriend dumped her for racial/ethnicity reason, she's holding grudge.
I become the victim since i'm being associated with her ex boyfriend ethnicity. And she keeps annoying me with these things and she's being like a racist something. Jesus.
Gosh, can she just leave me alone?
Keep your anger to yourself. I have nothing to do with what happen to you and I feel sorry
but I ain't give no shit. You are married to someone else now and be grateful with that.
Forget the past.
She's a crazy woman.
I become the victim since i'm being associated with her ex boyfriend ethnicity. And she keeps annoying me with these things and she's being like a racist something. Jesus.
Gosh, can she just leave me alone?
Keep your anger to yourself. I have nothing to do with what happen to you and I feel sorry
but I ain't give no shit. You are married to someone else now and be grateful with that.
Forget the past.
She's a crazy woman.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Wow
wow... she was so beautiful.
She wore a very beautiful violet gown.
She had never been like that before.
She was always sooo not very female
but that time she was.
She was very feminine, elegant and beautiful...
and I was so surprised.
She was amazing.
She wore a very beautiful violet gown.
She had never been like that before.
She was always sooo not very female
but that time she was.
She was very feminine, elegant and beautiful...
and I was so surprised.
She was amazing.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Another Indonesia Historical Lesson
So I find that amongst millions of Arabs in Indonesia, some Indonesian Arabs speak Arabic and some can even hardly understand the language. And it turned out I found a very interesting fact, most Indonesian Arabs who speak Arabic are those from the non-Alaween group. The Alaween groups are those who are believed to be the descendant of the Muslim prophet Muhammad, mostly they are called the shed or sayyid or sherif. And they don't really speak Arabic. While most of the non-Alaween do speak Arabic in complement with their local language. Why so?
It has historical background.
Yemen, esspecially hadramawt, the place where most Indonesian Arabs were originated from, are known for its caste-like system, and this is esspecially true amongst people in villages, which divides people to some hierarchial groups:
1. The Sheds and Sherrif, being on top of the caste, are people who believed as the prophet descendant
2. The Non Shed Arabs, being the second class
3. The Non-Arabs, being the lowest in the caste system
Though the system had only little or no impact to economy, politic and socio-culture in Indonesia, the system was valued significantly in mating and marriage. And since amongst the Arabs, marriage was one of the very fundamental aspect in life, this system was viewed somewhat important. In the belief, people must marry only within their own class and crossing over was so unfavoured. It was esspecially true in places where people are mostly homogenous (places outside Jakarta for sample). In 1910, it became a very big problem amongst the Indonesian Arabs community and created tension and turmoil between the Alaween and the non-Alaween.
It was started in a happening when a chinese male converted to Islam and married to a woman from Alaween group. It delivered anxiety and discomfort amongst Arabs community in Jamiat Kheyr (the first modern Indonesian Arab organization). Sheikh Ahmed Sukarti Al Anshari, a Islamic teacher from Mecca who was one of Islamic teachers in the organization, exhaled out a fatwa or a legal law pronouncement in Islam, that such marriage was legal since Islam didn't regard people based on ethnicity, tribes, race or nationality. Ahmed Sukarti exclaimed that the only term required for marriage in Islam was the faith and the good moral. The caste system applied that day was not comming from Islam and it wasn't islamic. Ahmed stated that such law in marriage was hadramawt culture and Islam was higher than the culture and must be obeyed more than anything.
This fatwa provoked anger of some people, esspecially amongst the alaween, but others stood in to speak out their agreement and support for the fatwa, esspecially amongst the non-Alaween.
From the conflict about marriage law, the battle continued and creeped to other religious problems and teachings. The Alaween believed that one must learn Islam by following and learning from some good and profound ulema or religious leader, and Ahmed Sukarti believed this was a falsehood. That what made people following the wrong teachings such as the marriage system by the hadramawt ulema and regarded it as Islamic. Ahmed insisted one must learned Islam directly from the source: Quran and Hadith, not by following some religious sheikh.
This tension continued and the Jamiat broke into two radical groups, those who insisted on the caste system and those who followed Ahmed Sukarti to break the old tradition. In 1914, Ahmed Sukarti resigned from Jamiat and established his own Arab Indonesian Islamic organization known as Al Irshad, which focused on Islamic teachings, building economy, education and political power to free Indonesia from the Dutch collony. Ahmed Sukarti met Ahmad Dahlan, one of prominent ulemas in Indonesia and asked him to established a muslim Indonesian native Islamic organization. Ahmad Dahlan found Muhammadiya, and today Al Irshad has become the sub-organization of the most prominent Islamic organization in Indonesia.
Since one of the most important teaching of Ahmed Sukarti, the founder of Al Irshad, is to study Islam directly from the source: Quran and Hadith, and since the Quran is written in Arabic, he stated the importance of studying and understanding the Arabic language. That's why his followers regarded the Arabic language to be one of the most importance site in studying Islam.
Until today, most Arabs of his followers speak and understand Arabic.
It has historical background.
Yemen, esspecially hadramawt, the place where most Indonesian Arabs were originated from, are known for its caste-like system, and this is esspecially true amongst people in villages, which divides people to some hierarchial groups:
1. The Sheds and Sherrif, being on top of the caste, are people who believed as the prophet descendant
2. The Non Shed Arabs, being the second class
3. The Non-Arabs, being the lowest in the caste system
Though the system had only little or no impact to economy, politic and socio-culture in Indonesia, the system was valued significantly in mating and marriage. And since amongst the Arabs, marriage was one of the very fundamental aspect in life, this system was viewed somewhat important. In the belief, people must marry only within their own class and crossing over was so unfavoured. It was esspecially true in places where people are mostly homogenous (places outside Jakarta for sample). In 1910, it became a very big problem amongst the Indonesian Arabs community and created tension and turmoil between the Alaween and the non-Alaween.
It was started in a happening when a chinese male converted to Islam and married to a woman from Alaween group. It delivered anxiety and discomfort amongst Arabs community in Jamiat Kheyr (the first modern Indonesian Arab organization). Sheikh Ahmed Sukarti Al Anshari, a Islamic teacher from Mecca who was one of Islamic teachers in the organization, exhaled out a fatwa or a legal law pronouncement in Islam, that such marriage was legal since Islam didn't regard people based on ethnicity, tribes, race or nationality. Ahmed Sukarti exclaimed that the only term required for marriage in Islam was the faith and the good moral. The caste system applied that day was not comming from Islam and it wasn't islamic. Ahmed stated that such law in marriage was hadramawt culture and Islam was higher than the culture and must be obeyed more than anything.
This fatwa provoked anger of some people, esspecially amongst the alaween, but others stood in to speak out their agreement and support for the fatwa, esspecially amongst the non-Alaween.
From the conflict about marriage law, the battle continued and creeped to other religious problems and teachings. The Alaween believed that one must learn Islam by following and learning from some good and profound ulema or religious leader, and Ahmed Sukarti believed this was a falsehood. That what made people following the wrong teachings such as the marriage system by the hadramawt ulema and regarded it as Islamic. Ahmed insisted one must learned Islam directly from the source: Quran and Hadith, not by following some religious sheikh.
This tension continued and the Jamiat broke into two radical groups, those who insisted on the caste system and those who followed Ahmed Sukarti to break the old tradition. In 1914, Ahmed Sukarti resigned from Jamiat and established his own Arab Indonesian Islamic organization known as Al Irshad, which focused on Islamic teachings, building economy, education and political power to free Indonesia from the Dutch collony. Ahmed Sukarti met Ahmad Dahlan, one of prominent ulemas in Indonesia and asked him to established a muslim Indonesian native Islamic organization. Ahmad Dahlan found Muhammadiya, and today Al Irshad has become the sub-organization of the most prominent Islamic organization in Indonesia.
Since one of the most important teaching of Ahmed Sukarti, the founder of Al Irshad, is to study Islam directly from the source: Quran and Hadith, and since the Quran is written in Arabic, he stated the importance of studying and understanding the Arabic language. That's why his followers regarded the Arabic language to be one of the most importance site in studying Islam.
Until today, most Arabs of his followers speak and understand Arabic.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I can't believe such parent
I can't believe such parent exists.
I have a friend of Yemeni Arab descend and what makes me annoyed was that her parents didn't want her to go to school because she was a woman. Well she went to school but when she was junior high and about to go to high school, her father told her not to, and he said he would give just anything money, cars, etc but she didn't go to school. But luckily her mom wanted her to go to school and she went. And I was like, "what??? your father did that to you?!" in disbelieved. And she said yes.
And another friend of mine, an indonesian native, asked, "do arabs do that? their women don't go to school?"
And she said "yes". And I said, "No!"
And there went we fought. And in the middle of the fight I told her that because her parents went to Saudi religious school that's no wonder why, his mind had been poisoned by some retard sheikhs with beard. I told her most Arabs in Indonesia went to school and they all see education as very important even more than the natives. All Indonesian Arab women are of very educated and very smart and intelligent. She was the only uneducated Arab woman I know in here. And she was pissed and agree with her father said education was unimportant.
She's crazy. And her father is crazier. Her father was an example of a nutcase male chauvinistic hog. I had been always reading about that in newspaper, but never in real life. Now I see the real example and until now I still can't believe this really really exists.
How come parents don't want their kids to go to school??? I can't understand.
I have a friend of Yemeni Arab descend and what makes me annoyed was that her parents didn't want her to go to school because she was a woman. Well she went to school but when she was junior high and about to go to high school, her father told her not to, and he said he would give just anything money, cars, etc but she didn't go to school. But luckily her mom wanted her to go to school and she went. And I was like, "what??? your father did that to you?!" in disbelieved. And she said yes.
And another friend of mine, an indonesian native, asked, "do arabs do that? their women don't go to school?"
And she said "yes". And I said, "No!"
And there went we fought. And in the middle of the fight I told her that because her parents went to Saudi religious school that's no wonder why, his mind had been poisoned by some retard sheikhs with beard. I told her most Arabs in Indonesia went to school and they all see education as very important even more than the natives. All Indonesian Arab women are of very educated and very smart and intelligent. She was the only uneducated Arab woman I know in here. And she was pissed and agree with her father said education was unimportant.
She's crazy. And her father is crazier. Her father was an example of a nutcase male chauvinistic hog. I had been always reading about that in newspaper, but never in real life. Now I see the real example and until now I still can't believe this really really exists.
How come parents don't want their kids to go to school??? I can't understand.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day
I believe in love at first sight.
It was when the first time I saw my mother's eyes. And I don't know if I could ever love another woman like that.
It was when the first time I saw my mother's eyes. And I don't know if I could ever love another woman like that.
Monday, April 06, 2009
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